I pushed and became my own drill sergeant. And it wasn’t fun. It was work and scolding and shaming and strict routines and schedules. So I stopped doing it for a time. And it felt like freedom and tasted like honey.
But now, I can tell you with a straight face and a cardio-strengthened heart, that I love working out. So what’s changed? On it’s face, it looks like nothing’s different: I’m still working out just like in the old days. What’s changed is the spirit behind the habit, the motivation itself.
My motivation stems from my desire to be strong and to learn and grow instead of a desire to escape self-criticism and shame. I’ve learned, very much the hard way, that fear pushes and love leads. My own heart defaults to criticism and hustling for worth. But Jesus, my good shepherd, leads me in the right way for His name sake.
The motivation is not to fit in jeans or look toned or even to meet the goal. The motivation is to be Jill who is strong and tender, healthy and whole. That’s a far cry from the drill sergeant. I like this one much better.
If you’d like to read more about change or shame, see below:
- When you don’t like change and you have a God who does
- How to know when excellence is your enemy
- Why you think you’re never enough
I can completely relate, Jill. I, too, have struggled with exercise obsession and being my own drill sergeant. I am a runner and enjoy working out, but it’s an slippery slope for me that can lead to only more self criticism and shame. I searched for “perfection” and satisfaction with myself that can only be found through my relationship with Jesus. He is the healer of all hurts and insecurities. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Jennifer, amen and amen! -jill