Threes, your superpower is determining what you need to do or who you need to become to gain admiration and love. You believe your self-worth depends on what you accomplish.
Your one powerful underlying motivation is your desire to achieve and to avoid failure at all costs.
You can also grab this free resource about what the Enneagram is, what it isn’t, and what you want to know about your personality type. Your Quick Start Guide to the Enneagram walks you through how to determine your type, what’s up with wings, and Enneagram resources you’ll want to check out.
Please know that I’m not an Enneagram expert, merely a lover of it. What I present to you is based on my own research, feedback from men and women of each type, and peer review. If you learn better through audio, take a listen to this Grace In Real Life podcast episode with Enneagram Three Rebecca Peet.
All Things Three
Here’s the basic foundation you need to understand about yourself or about the Threes in your life. In this post, we cover what arouses anger in a Three, books for spiritual growth, what causes you stress at Christmas, your biggest fear, gift ideas, goal-setting, parenting, and what the pandemic of 2020 has been like for you.
What Threes believe
Threes believe that they are not loved for who they really are, but for what they do. You feel they must prove yourself to earn love.
Where Threes struggle
You struggle with connecting with deeper emotions that might interfere with your image. You may mistake your image for the totality of who you are. It’s hard for you to be who you are and not playing a part others will appreciate. You also find it difficult to show your emotions, engage deeply with others (when you’re unhealthy), and asking for help.
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What makes you angry
You cannot stand anything that slows you down or anyone who fails to acknowledge your hard work. As a Type Three, you are especially sensitive to inefficiency, a lack of control, and time wasting.
As a fellow Type Three said, “Anything from uncontrollable situations to not knowing – or being unable to ask – or figure out a solution can set anger off in us.” Your type reflects God’s hope and action, which means you’re an optimistic “go getter” at heart. You get angry when the hope of completing a task or goal is thwarted because you wonder where you’ll find love if you’re not achieving.
What’s behind your anger
Because Type Threes are in the Heart Center, you’re concerned with having and maintaining esteem and affection.
Before you get angry, you’re more likely to feel shame. Type Threes cannot stand being able to control outcomes, not meeting your own expectations, and not rising up to all the “shoulds” your inner critic + others throw at you. The thought of failure pushes you forward. If you ever fail, your anger comes out. Your shame motivates you to look successful at all times, and when you don’t, your shame turns to anger.
How you express your anger
Like many types, Type Threes suppress anger. You push down your anger because you want to look good and it seems shameful to lose your cool in public (and “public” can mean one other person not seeing you at your best.) If your feelings simmer over into a direct expression of anger, it can take the form of yelling or passive-aggressive behavior, but mostly yelling. Type Threes can run a little bit hot!
How to process your anger in a God-centered way
1. If your anger stem from people “getting in your way” from accomplishing tasks, ask God to give you eyes to see people as He sees them. If your anger stems from inefficiency, ask God to remind you that your identity is not found in what you achieve, but in who God says you are: loved and valued.
2. Spend time in solitude and ask God to show you how He sees you.
3. Think through where your shame comes from: not being able to meet expectations, feeling trapped by ”shoulds,” or lacking control of an outcome. Ask God to help you apply His Word to your situation.
“You are Free, for the Enneagrams Three, is an invitation to live a life of freedom. As Threes we tend to hide our weaknesses, perform so nobody knows our brokenness, and paste smiles on our faces while pretending everything is okay. Rebekah invites us to leave all that behind and discover a God who is willing and able to rescue, a joy waiting for us in the midst of brokenness and a life-giving freedom when we take off our masks and allow ourselves to be fully known. – Kirsten Sandland Kroeker of kirstenkroeker.com
“The Gift of Being Yourself by David G. Benner, is an encounter with deep truth for the Enneagram Three. As a Three himself, David helps us embrace the concept that knowing our very true self is a knowing of God as the One who created us with beauty in mind. All of our feelings and thoughts have a place before our loving God. The importance of standing with all aspects of our self and feelings, without shame, but rather gentle awareness, is a brave invitation that he unpacks throughout this book. – Amanda Whiting of thisabundance.org
“Enneagram Three friends, Scary Close was written just for you. You’ll resonate immediately with Miller’s desire to perform less, be yourself, and overcome the fear of being known. If you’re scared of living out of who you most fully are, this is a must-read. Enneagram Threes, when you read this, you’ll know you’ve found your people.” – Jill E. McCormick
Your goal for Christmas is to curate activities and events to show others your wonderful Christmas memories.
How you came to that goal: As a Type Three, you love being viewed as Good Mom or Super Woman. Popularity and image are important to you.
What happens when you work to reach your goal: It’s easy for you to feel overwhelmed and exhausted in your attempt to look good. You may also get frustrated with loved ones who aren’t interested in doing all the activities you planned or outright rebel against doing them.
Three ways to have a healthy Christmas:
1. Ask your friend Jesus to help you put people first this Christmas. Ask Him to give you eyes to see where you may be hurting others when you focus on getting things done and being efficient.
2. Remember that it’s okay to make your own traditions that espouse your values even if what you’re doing isn’t trendy or Instagram-worthy.
3. Pay attention to how you feel after scrolling through social media. You may need to put Instagram and Facebook on pause during the holidays if you feel comparison taking over.
BONUS: Check out the book You are Free by Rebekah Lyons. Also, go here on how to stay sane on social.
Want to read more truth by someone who’s also a Type Three? Check out the sites of this fellow Type Three and reviewer of this portion: Rebecca Peet.
What Type Threes Fear: Your underlying fear is not being valued. From this root, spring fears of being underachieving + unproductive and not making progress toward a goal or not meeting your metrics. Deep down, you simply want to be valuable.
Why You Fear: Type Threes believe the lie that says you have value because of what you do and how much attention you receive. You fear anything that causes you to feel worthless, which might be as simple as not checking everything off the to-do list.
How Your Fear Manifests Itself: Because of your fear, two habits creep in:
1. You become hyper-busy, doing anything and everything – even projects that don’t interest you- that might bring you achievement and recognition. You’ve adapted your life to meet the expectations of others, which can be exhausting. You also spend time curating your image to look like you’ve got it all together. While you are busy doing All The Things, you’re also willing to quit projects that you’re not good at because those “failures” hurt your image.
2. You stuff down your feelings to soldier on and get things done. You often say you’ll deal with your feelings later, but you never do.
How to Help Work Through the Fear:
1. Remember that you are loved by God just for who you are, that God is just crazy about you, and made an incredibly talented and kind person when He made you.
2. Practice solitude. In solitude, you’ll learn that you don’t have to prove your value or perform for God. Being alone in the presence of fo Christ will help you to trust that because God is near, grace is always available.
3. Spend time thinking about what you want and who Christ created you to be. This will free you from chasing after positions and opportunities that aren’t meant for you. It also gives you the chance to work on the work He has called you to with all the enthusiasm you bring to every other aspect of your life.
Gift Philosophy: Gifts are practical means to a goal-achieving end.
You love receiving gifts, but sometimes have a hard time finding thoughtful gifts for others.
As a gift-giver, you put thoughtfulness into the gifts you give: you want your people to have the perfect gift that demonstrates how well you know them and their goals. But sometimes in your quest for efficiency, you fail to notice those around you so it’s hard to decipher what your gift-recipient might truly enjoy.
As a gift-receiver, you love getting presents, especially those that are meaningful and show that the gift-giver pays attention to your life. It makes your heart happy when people get you exactly what you want; as in they click on the URL and purchase the specific item you’ve told them you need. Unanticipated, surprise gifts are a big gamble for the gift-giver. In order to surprise a Three, the gift-giver must know her exceptionally well.
Gift ideas for every Enneagram Type Three: “Just get me exactly what I’ve told you I want, which is something that helps me meet a life goal.”
You also love gifts that are all about doing such as time to work on a project uninterrupted or someone checking something off your to-do list. You also love gifts that focus on being such as a spa gift card.
Three-approved gift ideas include:
- Gift cards that help your Three accomplish a goal, e.g. if she’s training for a marathon, money to buy new shoes or gear.
- Money with a note sharing that the gift is for workshops or seminars he’d like to attend.
- A hand-written note of love and encouragement.
- Gift cards for stores you love your Three loves.
No-No’s for those buying a Three a gift:
- Clothing or home decor. Your Three knows her sense of style so please don’t mess with her mojo. A gift card to her favorite stores would be much better.
- Impractical gifts. Threes love efficiency not clutter so if there’s a way to combine his interests or hobbies into something a useful item, all the better.
How do you view goals? Achievers both love and hate goals. You love them because goals are a good way to stay on track when there’s so much to do, but you hate them because they feel like a taskmaster.
Do you set goals? Of course! However, you can easily make your goals too small or avoid them altogether when they tap into what makes you come alive.
How do you accomplish your goals? With exhaustion. Much like the Reformer, you find it hard to relax until something’s accomplished. You can get so laser-focused on achieving your goal that you forget about your people or view them as a distraction or obstacle.
How do goals make you feel? You feel elated when you meet a goal and terrible when you don’t. You also tend to get burned out from working so hard. Achievers may feel pushed around by goals because they tell you to push ahead no matter what you’re feeling.
Healthy habits for the Achiever:
1. When you set a goal, ask why that goal is important to you. Then ask a second time why that reason is important to you. Then ask why again. This exercise helps you understand if the goal is in line with your values or if it’s simply about your image.
2. Identify your end goal: Is your end-goal task completion, a larger outcome, or something you’d like to grow in?
3. Write an anti-SMART goal (a non- specific – measurable – attainable – relevant – timely): make it more about the desired results than about the specifics.
4. Spend time in solitude without doing anything productive and then set goals from that place of rest.
5. Remember that you don’t have to work for the love Jesus already gives you. Achieving a goal doesn’t define your worth.
Extra resources to help the Achiever:
As one Three to another, this time is a gift! This is an ideal time for spiritual growth because you have fewer places to go, expectations to meet, and people to impress so you now have the opportunity to let Jesus tend to the emotions you’ve neglected for so long.
For a Three, this is a time of lightness.
Normally, you cope by conforming to expectations and achieving, but now you have the amazing opportunity to discover who you are without external noise and input and ways to prove your worth. You’re a girl on lockdown who gets to come home to herself.
Also, listen to Bonus Episode #6 of the Grace In Real Life podcast.
Threes are all about doing, thinking, and making forward progress. Your competitive nature allows you to achieve virtually anything you set your mind to. However, you believe that achievement equals worth, so you always hunt for ways validate your importance. No matter what you achieve, you feel like it’s never enough because the goal line keeps moving. You find new tasks to achieve, but you’re never satisfied. You get more done than any other type, yet, you’re chronically tired because you don’t know when or how to stop.
Where You Shine in Parenting
As a mama, you’re consistent, optimistic, dependable, organized, and responsible. You love checking things off the list: Snacks packed – check! Homework done – check! Laundry put away – check! Threes know what kind of children you want to raise and you strategize ways to get there. You also instill a sense of hard work in your children. (For the record, my younger daughter also says that I’m awesome at giving her hugs and making her feel better so you nurture more than you think you do!)
Where You Struggle in Parenting
Because of your inner compulsion to make progress, you can push your kids to the limit with an over-committed schedule. Threes are a case study in “Tiger Mom” behavior. Often, Threes view constant questions and requests for help as interruptions to the day. You love metrics, and parenting provides so few, which may leave Three Mamas discouraged and frustrated. If you work, that work can become an idol because it gives you the recognition and approval you crave, while your kids are more likely to tell you all the ways you’re failing, like how you cut the sandwich “wrong.”
Healthy Habits
- Sweet Three Mama, God doesn’t value you for your achievements. You have value because you’re His girl. Nothing you can do or not do can change His love for you (Psalm 62:2).
- Schedule time for fun! (I know Threes: we love our schedules!) Block off time and make connection a priority just like you would for any task in your planner.
- Ask God to show you to put your agenda aside and to reveal how wide, high, deep, and long His love is for you.
Books for the Three Mama
- Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake
- Give Your Kids a Break by Kim Fredrickson